Guiding Principle 4: Interpersonal Beings.
Humans grow and function in relationship. Our sense of self (a sense of identity, worth, agency, and belonging) is not just created and maintained in isolation in our brains and bodies. It is born out of our relationships with other people, the contexts in which we live, play and learn, and the culture in which we are immersed.
Consequently, we are intentional and thoughtful about communities at Bramblewood – we understand that, where things might seem to be hard for someone to be in community, their difficulty is likely directly related to the community in some way and not simply a problem isolated in them. We create structures within our communities to support dignified and compassionate routes to understanding and resolution. Similarly, we know that when people feel connected and that they matter in a community, life can feel really sweet.
Our nervous systems continuously scan our sense of self, and the information we are getting from those around us, and when they sense that we do not fit in or matter, they initiate an automatic stress response (fight, flight, freeze, fawn, etc.) to try to make us safe.
When others react in judgment, or punish the resulting behaviour, we are isolated further, our stress response is augmented and we move further from resolution, social connection and calm and our ability to regulate ourselves.
When people choose, instead, to view behaviours that challenge us as communication about a person’s unmet needs and longings, and we begin to offer them warmth and curiosity, instead of judgement and punishment, we are choosing to accompany them in their experience, and to support them to come towards a feeling of safety, in understanding that they make sense and matter. We are choosing to support their own routes towards self-regulation and being able to cope in the world.
Children and young people are doing their best in an inner and outer world that is created for them by adults. You can learn more about this from Jo McAndrews’ work.